I sit here tonight, after spending the day working for a woman that I know likes me and hanging out with one of my best friends, with a thousand negative thoughts running through my head. Today was a good day, though nothing overly exciting happened it was still a day spent with people I love and who I know love me. I know this.
Or at least, I should.
But now, after everyone has left and I am alone, all of those negative thoughts return. He’s not really your friend, he’s just too nice to be mean. She doesn’t really like you, she just doesn’t know how to get rid of you. All those ideas you have? They’re worthless. Don’t bother working on them, they’ll never end up being anything. Oh, and that friend who isn’t answering your texts? Yeah, he hates you too. So just stop. Stop pretending people actually give a shit. They don’t.
That voice is a bitch.
There is also another voice, one that is much quieter. It is saying Stop. You are loved. You know you are loved. He came to hang out because he enjoys your company, you’re working for her because you’re a good worker, and he’s not answering your texts because he never answers his phone. YOU KNOW THIS. So stop, stop listening to that devil on your shoulder. You are loved. You are loved because you are good and you are loving and you care.
I like that voice.
Even as I write this post, there is still a part of me that believes that voice is lying, that I really am unworthy and unloved. No matter how hard I try, that negative voice will not go away. I am no stranger to that voice but tonight it is louder than it has been in weeks. I thought I was making progress, learning to love myself a little more and not take everything so personally. Usually there is a significant trigger that brings the negative self-talk out in full force but tonight, I am not sure what it is. Because, until a little while ago, I was happy. Content. And now…well, now I’m not so sure.
What do you do when that negative voice becomes louder than any positive thought you have?